Pack enough snacks so that you’ll have a new and exciting one to dish out every 15 minutes.
Give up the crappy ones first and save the good ones for last.
Use the good ones as leverage for good behavior. Don’t consult parenting books, just go with your gut and bribe like you’ve always wanted to bribe.
Print out black-and-white Moana pictures at the office and bring markers. Actually, just the one red marker will probably do fine.
Don’t forget Maui because as of yesterday “Maui is my favorite.” But also be prepared to have this not be the case.
Whatever you fucking do, don’t forget the Moana book unless you want to regret ever having been born. Same goes for lovey,
Get to the airport early. Not because it’s the responsible thing to do, but because you should be prepared for a 15-minute Starbucks line and you don’t want to miss out on that family boarding.
Actual serious tip here: If you’re traveling with a kid under 2, those baby carriers are your best friend from airport entrance to jet bridge. They usually don’t even make you take it off to go through security. You have two free hands, your kid is happily snuggled up to you, and everyone compliments you on what a cute baby you have. Nest everything else into the stroller and push that sucker all the way to the gate before you check it.
Only have one kid. (If you are traveling with more than one kid under 5, you’re going to need more than that one Starbucks and I wish you the best of luck).
Don’t even try to brush anyone’s hair before they’ve had hot chocolate.